I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
