My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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