shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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