I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
