Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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