So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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