We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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