i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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