I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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