Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
