he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
