i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
