I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
