There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
