I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
