I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
