ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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