I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We need to rekindle our bromance
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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