this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
