I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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