FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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