when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
