I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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