good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
