she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
