ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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