Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
