Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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