hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
They have beer where we have blood.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
