This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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