Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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