Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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