I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
