See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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