I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
