I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
