can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
