i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
