What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
