oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
