Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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