mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
