my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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