true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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