Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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