So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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