I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
