I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
