There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
