I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
