i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
