he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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