So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
